Monday, October 26, 2009

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

Been knocked out by a bad bout with the ol back again. This has become way too familiar a scene.

And I really only have myself to blame. I was treating exercise like I used to treat every other decision... I put it off because I was looking at it from the entirely wrong perspective.

Like the sugar, where I make the conscious choice to avoid the things that will make me feel bad - I need to change the way I look at exercise too.

Instead of a chore, it's a choice. A choice that will ultimately prevent me from being in this same position where I'm crippled by pain.

So I need to get over myself and get on the ball. (Literally)

Especially when I saw a weight loss on the scale at the ER, a place I'm going to have to pay big bucks to just so they could tell me don't go to work, take some pills, use a heating pad and rest.

Stuff I was already doing anyway.

So I'm going to start out slow and get my health back while I still can. I got here because of my choices, I can get out of here the same way.

It's kind of fitting considering I've finally decided what to do for myself on my 40th birthday.

I've decided to go to college.

I mean, I did the online thing for a couple of semesters, but it's not the same. I want the entire college experience complete with a cap and gown graduation I never got from high school.

It's the one thing I've always regretted that I did not do, and now that I stack it up against all the pros and cons I can't really see too much of a downside to going now. I had put it off for so long because I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up (other than a writer), and it seemed like a waste of time and money to chase after a degree. This is especially true when you see people with degrees often making a living completely different from the degrees they earned.

But as I started this new job at the call center, I see people of all ages balancing school and work. For them, that's a job to pay the bills until they embark on a career.

To me... it's a job to pay the bills - indefinitely.

The thought depressed me to no end.

The job is fine; but do I really want to do that until I'm 65?

Which, btw, is only 25 short years away?

My oldest son is about to turn 20. I know how that time can fly.

I've actually been entertaining the thought of going back to school for a while. Every time you get online you see ads about grant money for moms who want to return to school. If the help is there... why wait?

Oh yeah... that not knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

Well the more I thought about it the more I realized that an Associate of Arts degree is basically a foundation for anything I wanted to do. If I just get that under my belt, a world of possibilities is open to me. It also ups my bargaining price when I go for a job, no matter what field it's in.

Not to mention the wealth of human experience I'll get just being in the college atmosphere is going to be priceless. As a writer, again, I can't really see a downside.

Especially if I can get any of the work in college published as well.

While I would love to do a university, the junior college here in my town looks like it can fill most of my needs, and at a price I can afford. Plus just looking at the courses and the possibilities actually has me excited for the first time in a long time.

It may be a little late in coming, but maybe it's at the exactly right time. The kids are almost grown and on their own, and I'll be approaching it with a lot more appreciation than I might have had twenty something years ago.

I've spent too much time on the other side. I know what's at stake.

So it's all up to me now. No more revving my wheels in the mud. It's time to start making real, discernible progress.

So my birthday goal is to get enrolled and prepared to go by the beginning of the Spring semester in 2010.

I can change my body AND change my future.

I'm nearly 40 years old.

The time for waiting is over.

The time for change is now.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Cookie Diet. Really?

In one more effort for fads to keep you fat, there's The Cookie Diet, whereupon you supposedly eat cookies (as a meal replacement no less) to curb your appetite so that you can keep on a low calorie diet.

And of course it costs money to purchase these magic cookies, which do nothing about teaching you to curb your negative eating habits... it merely lets you have your cookie and eat it too.

Nice marketing ploy, I have to admit. And had this been twenty, twenty five years ago when I was looking for a quick fix (cheat), I might have been prone to falling for it.

Anyone remember those appetite suppressant candies that were like little cubes of chocolate? They were real popular until the mid 80s when a disease of the same name became a notorious and feared killer.



Needless to say, been there, done that.

As I've watched my weight spiral out of control depending on these products marketed to help me "get thin" - while doing nothing more than switching my dependence - I've grown very resentful and very suspicious of the diet industry.

There's a reason why their profit margin has increased right along with our ever expanding waistlines.

I'm reminded once of going to a Mary Kay meeting and hearing one of the sales ladies say, "Every night more of my product goes down the drain, so I know that customer is going to keep coming back to buy more product."

The diet industry *needs* us to stay fat so we'll keep fattening *their* wallets. It's become such a joke that the first thing I want to know when it comes to people who want to "help me" lose weight is how much it costs.

If it's not free, it's too much. There are too many good sites like Sparkpeople.com or even Skinnychef.com who are willing to give away their secrets for free because they genuinely want to see people living their best, healthy lives.

All those diet books and supplements... not so much.

And it's all so blatantly obvious when someone tries to market a freaking COOKIE. Skip a meal, eat a cookie... lose weight! And by the way, we'd love for you to put a down payment on some ocean front property in Arizona!"

"But Ginger... some lady lost 120 pounds!"

Yeah. And I've lost three inches in less than a month just by getting rid of the sugar (and cookies) entirely. By eating more natural foods and cutting back on the meat, I've already seen a difference in how I look and how I feel; both mentally and physically.

And I didn't need to spend $59 buckaroos for a weekly box of magic cookies. Instead of having a "meal replacement"... I actually have a meal.

Best of all... I'm losing my self destructive need to cater to my indulgences. A donut commercial has zero affect on me now. It doesn't even look good, much to the shock of my 17 year old son.

This month of detoxing off of my dependence on sugar has been eye-opening. Like I've said before, I tried not to get substitutes for my sweet tooth... but replacements. I don't want chemically altered sugar free cookies to take the edge off, I want something that is naturally sweet so that I can lose my dependence on these "comfort foods" I've always used as a crutch.

So instead of getting the sugar free stuff (and even avoiding the sugar free candy I purchased on the onset) I've been learning how to go for fruit and sweet veggies and natural sweeteners instead.

This is something I can do forever, instead of paying out of my pocket to trade one addiction for another.

Has it been easy? No. Breaking an addiction never is. The PMS week was probably the hardest, and like I was mentioning in some previous blogs, I've had to actually deal with emotional issues with emotions rather than mask it with food.

Cravings pass. When it's over, I still feel a hundred percent better than I used to when my body was drowning in sugar sludge.

So cookies? Thanks, but I'll find a healthier (and cheaper) way to do it.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Emotional landmines

Today has been the most difficult day yet. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, I'm dealing with some disappointments that are leaving me vulnerable. Instead of dealing with the hurt that comes from a situation where I basically had fooled myself into believing something that wasn't real - and staking a lot of my esteem on it being real - I want to pile on food.

And this time it wasn't even unhealthy food necessarily. It was just that trigger to eat instead of feel that I was able to recognize and thwart.

A very good reason to be proud today.

Especially since I'm feeling physically bad again thanks to that persistent cough and pain from bronchitis.

It would have been so much easier to give in for the moment, stop and get food out ignoring the fact I had much better alternatives at home.

I wanted to feel good, and I wanted my food to do it - instead of being fuel to my body like it should be.

But I resisted. And for that I am very proud of myself. Not just for the food aspect, but resisting the urge to spend money on something I didn't need to buy as well.

And you know what? That has made the other stuff hurt a lot less. Which goes to prove that the only esteem that is worth having, is the one we give ourselves. The one we earn by keeping our promises to ourselves and showing our body the respect it deserves.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Protein... Breakfast of Champions

It dawned on me yesterday that having a protein based breakfast really does help me eat less during the day. During my flu, I was eating oatmeal with raisins, and I found myself more peckish throughout the day.

Yesterday I had some scrambled egg with cheese and veggies in a high fiber wrap, and was able to manage hunger a lot better.

The only problem with this so far is that the protein based breakfast foods I buy, like eggs and peanut butter, are kid magnets. Now that my oldest has returned home, a dozen eggs can be gone in a matter of days. Don't even get me started on the peanut butter.

Thankfully I can deal with that problem fairly effectively with some shrewd shopping choices.

At least it's a start.

As for the exercise I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start whether I'm completely over my cough or not. I'll just have to start slow. So that'll be my goal today. I'm putting it here so I can't make any excuses and back out of it.

Accountability - the most powerful tool in a healthy lifestyle change.

Emotional housekeeping...

I don't deal with neglect well. I chalk it up to investing so much of my value in what other people think of me. When they don't respond to me, it makes me feel invalidated in some way.

It also usually makes me withdraw, sullen and prone to childish behavior... which I chalk up to the patterns that began in my childhood that I have yet to fully work through.

Maybe Jeff is right. Maybe I would benefit from some therapy.

Right now my biggest problem is where I have thrown my heart and attention. On one end of the spectrum, it's been something that I deemed safe because of the lack of response back.

Only the responses came anyway, and in this recent few months more than I had even thought possible. I acted on it and was very surprised when it went right back to the avoidance phase - so much so that my feelings were hurt and I in fact became quite angry.

I'm not sure how to deal with it either. I can either talk it out with this person and jeopardize what I thought I had (only to discover I was fooling myself). Or, as I have been doing, I can just trundle along acting as if it's no big deal and just deal with the worry it'll teach this individual it's okay to treat me in a manner that will hurt my feelings.

I just don't know.

The other end of the spectrum is someone I have given my heart and trust to, only to deal with this nagging suspicion that over the past year something has irrevocably changed. I don't think it's ending, necessarily, but it has changed in a way that I'm not sure we'll ever be able to recapture what once was.

And that saddens me.

Even though I'm wading through the muck to try and figure out how I'll deal with either scenario, the bottom line is these relationships do not define me; as much as I have always tried to believe they do. Whether or not these people care about me or not, it cannot impact how I care about myself. All I can do is learn to accept maybe this is the way these people are... and just because they don't act the way I want them to it doesn't mean I don't have something unique and special with them.

But... learning my own value means I have to make the decision if it's good enough *for me*.

I don't deserve neglect or lies.

So I guess it's time to learn to speak up for myself, even if my voice is shaking. If these relationships are worth having, they'll endure.

And I hope they do.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Au natural

In this ongoing education on how to view food differently, one of my priorities has been to keep it basic. Where I used to use the crutches of diet food - you know... food that was like the food I used to eat but altered to be "healthier" (i.e. sugar free cookies, etc), I've now tried to switch those foods for foods that are naturally healthy rather than filled with substitute ingredients.

I figure any natural source of sweetness in fruits and the like would be preferable to artificial sweeteners, and those should be the foods that I should want to eat. The problem with eating all those "cheat" foods is that I still want to eat those things that aren't particularly healthy for me, so it's just easier to reach for those foods that really should hold a very small place in my life as a crutch to get through the day to day.

So I decided, especially during this first month of "detox", to avoid these potential pitfalls. But the thing was, I didn't see it that way when I made that decision. Like I said at the onset, I was simply trying to find the healthier, more natural alternative.

Only now after about ten days of these new eating habits can I see the inherent wisdom of that choice. Not only am I breaking the dependence on those things, I'm developing a new taste and new desire for these other things like fresh fruit. Not only has this had an emotional payoff in the lack of "eaters remorse" for giving in and plowing through a bag of cookies or chips, but it has also had a physical payoff in the way my body functions. Even as sick as I've been, I feel better overall with more energy and more enthusiasm.

The sun has broken through the cloud, as it were. Instead of trudging through life feeling like I was stuck in three feet of mud, I have the energy (and desire) to actively participate in my life instead of watch it pass by from the sidelines.

As someone who has taken anti-depressants before I can tell you this is *exactly* the same feeling I got from a pill... only this time I'm not taking a pill, but choosing to fill my body and essentially my vessel with the right kinds of fuel.

It's really quite remarkable.

I'm feeling so good in fact, I'm kinda paranoid about the potential pitfalls coming up in the next few months with all the holiday triggers to fall back into sugar dependence.

Halloween - candy. Thanksgiving - pies. Christmas - cookies. New Year's - booze.

It makes me want to avoid all these things even though the argument could be made that I can enjoy some of these things in moderation if I can contain it to just those days. Because that's the heart of this healthier eating - I'm not doing it because I "can't" eat those things. I'm doing it because by choosing NOT to eat those things I feel better long after that momentary satisfaction of giving into those triggers.

As long as I keep it my choice, I'm not prey for those deprivation issues that always seem to be my undoing.

Therefore I'm thinking it might be more valuable to me to avoid those temptations altogether just once just to show that I can. If I do give in and indulge for these specific dates, I'm not only opening the door for future excuses to indulge, I'm also literally feeding into the dependence part in my brain that says I can't enjoy these holidays without these foods.

Which, I know intellectually, is complete and utter baloney.

So my challenge then is to find healthier alternatives for these holiday challenges. My requirements: make it more vegetable/fruit specific, and if I use sweeteners of any kind they're going to be natural ones. If I have any recipes that require sweeteners, instead of white granulated sugar, get as basic and raw as I can. I found a great article on natural alternatives that will give me new strategies on how to approach baking - which I love to do.

I'll keep you updated on what I discover. Hopefully the fam will be along for the ride as I make these exciting new changes. Fortunately for me my seventeen year old is a lot more open to embrace this new lifestyle and, like me, has adopted a more "flexitarian" approach. This is particularly exciting for me because he has my same propensity for obesity, and I feel like giving him these tools at this young age will help him avoid getting as far gone as I have done.

Because changing these destructive patterns after decades of poor choices is a lot harder. Undoing nearly forty years of damage is a lot of hard work and concentrated, focused effort.

Thankfully though... not impossible.

And I'm totally equipped for the challenge.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Feeling strangely in control today

Going back to work after a total of seven days off, and even though I'm still battling bronchitis I feel empowered to return to work and resume a somewhat normal life.

I'm extremely proud of the fact that while I was compromised by the sickness, I maintained my commitment to remain sugar free. And today I feel stronger and bolder than I have before... that I really can maintain this new healthier eating lifestyle.

It seemed unthinkable before - like a lifetime without the things I've always counted upon to boost my mood or hide my pain wasn't really within my capability.

But today as I scanned through Twitter and could find myself not even tempted by the food enjoyment others were chatting about, it made me realize that slowly and surely these new eating patterns were paying off. I now want the things that benefit my body, rather than yearn for those things that will do nothing more than make things that much harder for me.

I feel *healthier*, even despite being sick.

It gives me great hope I can get everything else in order too.

Which is the next order of business...

But more about that tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Apparently my body went into shock

The moment I started to eat healthily I got a nasty bout of the flu.

I blame Hal's green drink. ;) Too much health too fast!

I am proud to say that despite a few low points these last few days where I wanted sugar to feel better, I did not get any. Even ice cream to soothe a sore throat. Sounds like a minor thing but I consider this a pretty significant victory.

Baby steps.

The good news is the fever is officially gone and I feel a lot better, so I can start making more of these changes effective immediately. Including a walk at either the park OR the treadmill.

I also must blow up the Pilates ball I purchased last Friday in my "take time to pamper myself" extravaganza... which, incidentally, also included a couple of bottles of lotion from Bath & Body Works.

And you know what? It actually did boost my mood.

I didn't rely on sugar. Even when I went out to eat. AND I ate a vegetarian meal, so even better. I did succumb to the bread basket, but like I said - baby steps.

Not having dessert (even when it was part of the meal deal) AND forsaking booze was huge.

I also purchased a book entitled "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery System", and have perused through it to see if it's something that can work for me. The author maintains that we only eat three meals a day, which I'm not sure is going to work out. I've found the best way to curb my appetite is to space it out and eat on regular intervals. The longer I go in between meals the stronger my impulse to gorge, protein or no protein.

But the information is there if I decide to go that route.

I'm definitely implementing the idea of eating more protein. From what I've researched in the past, protein does help stabilize blood sugar. I think the best dietary course of action will be the Low GI plan, which simply means I give up those foods which cause a dramatic spike in blood sugar for things like lean proteins, whole grains and fresh fruits and vegetables.

I like the idea of dividing the plate into quarters, making one half of the plate fresh veggies and fruits, while one quarter is a low GI starch and the other quarter is a low fat protein.

We'll see how it works out in real life. Such things sound plausible in theory but sometimes life does get in the way.

I'm not going to make any rigid changes until I get the sugar addiction under control first.

This isn't about setting myself up for failure. This is about doing something every day to make me feel proud of how I'm honoring my body and taking care of my health, which - despite my guilt doing so - can also include staying home from work when I'm sick to prevent spreading the flu.

But enough of that for now, it's time to go make breakfast. Peanut butter on toast with some fresh fruit, washed down with a refreshing bottle of water.

Nummy!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Now that we've tackled the emotional componant...

It's time to deal - truthfully - with the physical reason I have been unable or unwilling to make these changes.

It's rather obvious I've been medicating with food for a long, long time. I have all these intense emotional feelings and have been satisfying them with the bandaid of the foods that recreate in the brain these chemicals that I should be feeling naturally.

In simple terms... I've been getting high on sugar.

And like any addiction, it's also been a self fulfilling prophesy. I feel bad emotionally, I get the artificial mood boost from sugar, which only lasts until the next "fix".

That's why getting something "sweet" was how I spoiled myself (quite literally it turned out), and always - always - how I self destructed once I saw any real success. I looked in the mirror, saw the changes or worse, had others point them out for me, and suddenly I was emotionally vulnerable.

This leads once again to more sugar, which leads again to more masking the real reason I'm burying myself with weight because the temporary "high" is so much better.

So step one to reclaiming my life means that I have to get rid of my dependence on sugar.

I went to the store the other day and implemented my plan. I spent the majority of my time on the outer edges of the store (fresh produce, etc) than in the middle, reminding myself that "nothing good ever comes in a bag". I didn't even get sugar free cookies or pudding or ice cream - which had been my original plan. Instead I went with fruit or natural sugars to facilitate the detoxification from processed chemicals.

In the same respect, I'm trying to move away from eating meat... to fill my body with live stuff like vegetables, fruit and produce rather than dead animals. Not vegan necessarily, and not even vegetarian (since I've read that fish is actually a really good food to combat chemical depression), but just a more conscious effort to get away the more conventional eating habits that have always contributed to my dependence on sugar.

I figure the better I feel physically, the better I'll feel mentally - and I need to do that naturally instead of just these quick temporary fixes.

So my focus, then, is to avoid sugar by eating things that are good for me and my body rather than fill it with chemicals.

It hasn't been easy. Walking past the cookies and turning away dessert at the restaurant (and the booze) was not an easy task.

Like with any addiction... one day at a time.

It all started with a bottle of lotion.

I work at a call center, and as the late shift we don't have assigned seating per se. Instead we have to sit where ever there is an empty seat, and more often than not we end up using a desk that the day shift has decorated and personalized for themselves.

So as I sat there at that desk, I noticed this bottle of lotion. Not a lotion user myself, I wasn't particularly compelled to use any of it, but the longer I sat there the more I grew curious about it. I noticed it was from Bath & Body Works, a place I never go because I think it's overpriced - and I don't want to spend that kind of money on that stuff.

I finally picked it up and gave it a sniff. Sweet Pea, it said. It was nice. Curiosity satisfied I capped the bottle and put it back in its place without using a drop. Since I didn't buy it, I wasn't going to use it. That's just not my way.

Plus, I'm not the kind of person who uses lotion anyway.

Call after call came in and I kept looking at that bottle. Every now and again I'd pick it up and sniff it, recap it and put it back on the desk. It dawned on me that just by how pretty it smelled, it simply improved my mood just to smell it.

As I'm growing older I am noticing the changes in my skin. It's becoming a little less elastic and soft. I started to contemplate the benefits of lotion - and wondered why I'd never really gotten into the whole beauty regimen type stuff other girls seem to relish.

Someone like the gal whose desk I shared, whose pictures showed she took care of the way she looked.

I thought about my long, unkempt hair in a ponytail that hadn't been styled in months. I thought about how I usually don't wear makeup or even worry too much about the clothes that I wear. As long as they're clean, they fit and do their job camouflaging all my problem spots, that's all I really require.

The night wore on and that bottle continued to haunt me. Why *didn't* I try harder to make myself more presentable? Why did I use "pampering" myself as an excuse to pile on more pounds and eat myself to death?

I blamed the expense on why I wouldn't go to Bath & Body Works, but a bottle of lotion lasts far longer than a lunch at McDonalds - and as opposed to that high fat, high calorie junk fest, the bottle of lotion actually *does* pamper you and improve you.

Why, I finally asked myself, am I so willing to be unattractive? Not just unattractive... but repellent even.

That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I was attacked at the age of four and sexually molested, that rapist did more to me than simply invade my body and corrupt my innocence.

He stole my pretty.

Before that, I was exalted as a beautiful child. I was an average weight, and had a mother who taught me how to take care of my femininity. Men loved me from the time I was born, and my mother's favorite story is how they'd line up at the nursery just for a chance to hold me for a few minutes.

But after that event, no longer did I care about attracting any attention. Such attention could be, and in fact had proven to be, quite dangerous.

And thus, the lifelong - albeit unconscious - attempt to keep people at arm's length began. Being a pretty girl was dangerous, but being a fat girl - while often painful and bitterly lonely - was *safe*.

The lesser of two evils, as it were.

I've been on the journey to lose weight more often than not, and the pattern always repeats. I'll do very well, see significant changes and then I'll shut down and start to undo all the good I've done.

It's not a conscious choice, mind you. It's a choice that is buried under excuse after excuse why I can't do what I was doing that was working so well. And it all comes back to one simple truth.

Being attractive or successful or pretty makes me vulnerable. If people want to pay attention to me, it scares me to death.

I don't want to be targeted or worse... overcome. So I keep this wall of flesh around me like a barricade, certain that no one will want to invade me or if they do - I have the stature to prevent it from happening again.

I guess that's what happens when you're abused when you're small. Being big suddenly means you need to swing as far to the other side of the pendulum to ensure that it never, ever happens again.

As I get smaller, I feel less empowered. More vulnerable.

So I guess I need to work on the feelings that I felt back on that day so many years ago.

I felt targeted, so I made myself unattractive.

I felt small and helpless, so I made myself big and threatening.

I felt vulnerable, so I turned into a control freak.

Men who wanted me = a threat. Men who didn't want me = safe. (a pattern that has repeated many times over the course of my life as I chose where to throw my affection and attention)

The hell you create by choice always seems far more preferable than risking fate, where anything can happen to you.

So here I am with all this information and vague ideas what to do with it.

The first of which is a new mission. To dig deep under the layers of fear and find my pretty.

It was quite an epiphany for a Sunday afternoon.

And it all started with a bottle of lotion.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sidelined once again by the Sacroiliac

For a good chunk of my life I've dealt with debilitating back pain that was finally diagnosed as S.I. Dysfunction a couple of years ago, after losing time off of work being unable to perform basic functions due to severe lower back pain.

Well as I was laying down on my bed yesterday, one of my dogs landed square on that sensitive part of my back and launched, full weight, right back off of it.

I've been sidelined from normal activities ever since.

Not to say I haven't tried. I shampooed the carpets and went grocery shopping at two different stores, but it led to my needing my heavier pain pills in order to get any relief last night to sleep.

Today, I started my day and tried to get some minor chores done, but the pain has gotten progressively worse during the day. I'm going to manage the pain with some Ibuprofen to take care of the swelling that is no doubt causing the majority of my pain.

Tonight I will go down to work on the treadmill - at a lower level - and try to keep up my exercise regimen albeit a little less intense until I work through this pain.

From my physical therapy for this condition I know that inactivity is not an option even though pain is a great motivator for such. But I'm not going to push myself and really end up bed bound because I have no way to get any other treatment due to a lack of insurance.

I really need to get in the pool to learn low impact exercises that can help me burn calories, because staying this weight is not going to help this condition at all.

I'm not giving up, just modifying.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Back in the saddle.

Today was laundry day so there was no getting away from the exercise today. I did a half hour at level 2 and plan to do at least a half hour more tonight before bed. I think to keep things going I may just do two hours of walking every other day, with Pilates on the off days. This way I'm active every day, but I won't burn myself out.

And that gives me room to add to and change up my exercise routines.

I think I'll still see the results I want, and if I don't then I have room to improve.

Best of all I won't beat myself up for not being "perfect" by giving myself all these outrageous goals where I can constantly sabotage myself.

At least, I hope that's how it turns out.

To be continued...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Walls.

The one thing I've noticed about the weight loss journey is that I tend to run into things I'd rather not face, and so I don't. I dance right up to the line until things get scary and then I bail.

I noticed this last year when I did the "Why Do I Let Myself Stay Fat" video blog. Note I stopped doing video blogs at that point and subsequently stopped the weight loss journey too.

Last week I started seeing major results from my exercise-o-rama. I went from 62 inches to 57 inches around my widest part just from walking an hour a day. Then the first day "off" led to another and another, and now I've crept back up an inch. Yet for some reason, even though I know that something as simple as walking for an hour, can help me reach my goals - I seem loathe to resume the exercise I know will help me reach my goals.

So.

Why do I let myself stay fat?

Why am I afraid to be successful and thinner?

The short answer is that I keep this padding to keep people away.

When I was abducted from my front yard and sexually molested by a stranger at the age of four, I went from being a cute, skinny girl to putting on all this weight to keep people away. I didn't know it, of course, I couldn't have purposely made that choice. But the weight began to pile on as soon as I hit kindergarten.

It didn't really impact my self esteem until much later when my dad passed away, which added a fear of abandonment to the mix.

I began to use the weight as an excuse to get into relationships that were merely a facade. I settled for sexual promiscuity rather than in depth relationships, and if a guy told me he loved me it actually scared me to the extent I would drive them away or test them until they broke.

I had to be in control.

I also began to put a lot of energy in people I could not have because they were strangers. Celebrity crushes became a safe haven.

It didn't last for long once I met the first man I'd marry. He started out as the kind of guy I couldn't have, and then once I did get him it was one of those things that embodied "Be careful what you wish for".

The more wounded and threatened I felt, the more weight I put on until I was nearly 300 pounds.

Then came the first affair.

And once again I could use my weight as an excuse why it wouldn't work out, and I pushed yet another man to the point of no return.

These are things that I did to keep myself safe from being hurt and abandoned, even though the end result was being hurt and abandoned.

The only difference was, I was in control of it. It wouldn't be another of those rug pulled out from under me moments.

So now, here I am, on the brink of significant changes that would make me vulnerable for the two things that scare me the most.

I am comfortable being the one people shun and ignore. Not so much the one that people would want to be with.

That comes with expectations I'm afraid to fulfill, and possibilities of pain I'm not sure if I can bear to repeat.

And so... the walls stay up even though I'm unsatisfied and unhappy within the prison of my body.

These are the things I need to address.

It's not easy, but it's the only way to flip that switch.

The only thing I can really control is how I treat myself.

And I'm tired of hurting myself more than any other person ever could hurt me.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Still in limbo, but hanging in.

Yesterday I took my dog Winston for a walk at the park since the weather was so nice, which was a nice change of pace from the treadmill. I didn't work out as long or as intensely, but I still am glad I got moving again. I feel the difference in my body too, which is great.

I'm having a really difficult time managing sleep. I'm not sleeping well at all. I sleep for a few hours and then I'm up, no matter how little of sleep I've had or how tired I am.

Last night I broke down and took a pill to help me sleep, and I got two of these "naps" close together, but already I'm fading and in need of another nap.

I'm of the mind I should listen to my body and let it sleep when it can, but it's playing hell on my exercise routine. I just need to get in the habit of doing it first thing when I get up, and maybe that will help all those other issues too by letting me sleep better when I do, in fact, sleep.

I am still soda free, and for the most part it has been a lot less painless than I feared. I'm wondering if quitting caffeine cold turkey has anything to do with my sleeplessness.

At this rate anything is possible.

I haven't been eating as well, but the good news is my body is actually craving things that are good for me like vegetables and especially fruit.

Probably because without sodas I'm indulging my sugar fixation naturally... and I consider that a huge step in the right direction.

So my goal at the moment is to try and get my sleep schedule more regular and get that exercise in.

I just need to accept I can't do it all once no matter how much I'd like to.

Progress, not perfection.

Monday, June 8, 2009

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

I knew skipping one day was a bad idea, because it would lend to missing more days. For some reason my sleep schedule is all wonky now and I get up insanely early, but I haven't been napping during the day so that means I run out of energy around noon.

Worse, being so tired and worn down means all my other goals down the drain as well.

So, no excuses. I've messed up and the only thing to do is jump back on that horse.

I just really wish that I could get proper sleep. It's starting to affect my mood and not in a good way. My patience is at its end. I thought for sure last night I'd be able to get some decent sleep because I was so tired and didn't get a nap, but without fail I was up and unable to sleep by 3:45am.

Worse, I get up from what amounts to an extended nap and walk into the living room and kitchen left to the men for six unsupervised hours and nothing is done. Dinner dishes, still in the sink. Dishes in the living room. A water battle, some soda cans (not mine - I'm staying strong on that front although yesterday I was tempted. I blame the lethargy).

It's really quite frustrating. Not having a job outside the home means a lot of the chores get delegated to me, which is fine. But it seems I'm doing the same thing every single day no matter how hard I work to get ahead. Yesterday I got everything spotless, even to the point of shampooing the floors, and waking up to more work was not exactly my idea of fun.

It's like I'm engaged in this long standing war with clutter, and the clutter is winning.

And it's not even that it's a lot of work. It'll take about ten minutes to get things picked up and the dishwasher loaded and started.

Which makes it even more annoying that no one else seems willing to do it.

Like I said... piss poor mood.

Plus the exercise jump started certain hormonal shifts that mean I have to deal with Mother Nature a full week earlier than I normally do.

So I'm going to get a firm start on my day by eating a good breakfast full of protein and carbohydrates, then head down to the workout room to get on that treadmill. I'm not putting it off today - because that will lead to just one more day of not doing what I need to do because life can, and does, get in the way.

Not beating myself up. No sense in that.

Just being honest and real.

It's okay to be imperfect.

No excuses needed.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Yesterday was a bust.

At least as far as health goals go. I didn't work out, didn't get my water in - I ate sort of within my calorie range (went over by 33 calories) but way overdid the fat.

I have been on this strange sleeping schedule which means I get maybe four, five hours of sleep in one cycle, and then later get a nap of three to four hours, usually in the early afternoon.

Yesterday I was busy at my son's commencement ceremony and so I was so tired by the time I got home I fell asleep on the sofa. Hubby prepared something quick and easy, which ended up being one of those cheap pizzas, and then I went straight to bed.

I also managed the weigh in. Officially it was 319 pounds and 7 ounces - which wasn't as low as I wanted needless to say but I couldn't quite gripe. The circumstances for the weigh in weren't ideal but they usually never are - so I'm taking it for what it is.

It's a start, that's all it is.

Since I had so many other good things to focus on, it was easy to take it in stride much more than I had dreaded I wouldn't.

It helped that it was such a monumental day full of pride and accomplishment. It would have been impossible to feel sorry for myself and be that self centered on a day so wonderful for my child.

Although he isn't a child anymore. He's a man. A high school graduate, living on his own - a good, decent, responsible person that I helped guide from infanthood.

Makes stuff like eating a handful of extra calories or a less than perfect weigh in seem minor in comparison.

Truth is, I can learn something from my son. As someone with learning disabilities, these past many school years have been a really challenging road that - no matter how many times he stumbled - he refused to give up trying to conquer.

And conquer he did.



So that inspires me. The road I have to walk is just as challenging but as long as I never give up on that ultimate goal - I will be able to have my moment "graduating" into the person I always wanted to be.

So thank you, Tim, for teaching me once again that nothing is impossible to the person who believes and never gives up.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Daily check-in and other ramblings

Yesterday I got my calorie and nutritional intake and my water (sorta) but stopped short of the walk.

I didn't give up on the idea until quite late, as the abrasions on my foot remained raw and tender to the touch even barefoot:



But still I didn't want to concede defeat, despite the hubby's persistence that I could miss a day to heal, and it wouldn't benefit me to push myself hard today if it meant I incapacitated myself tomorrow.

No, I pretty well decided to try and make it work until I got a Sparkpeople email that said to develop a walking regimen it was important to get a day or two of rest per week.

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SparkPeople Experts Answer Your Fitness Questions

Question: How often should I walk? Should I focus on miles or minutes?

Expert Answer:

Frequency: Number of Days Per Week
Aim for a minimum of 3 days a week, and gradually work your way up to 5 or 6 days a week. The more the better--especially when it comes to weight loss. But don't forget the importance of rest and recovery--give yourself at least 1-2 days off each week.

Intensity: How Hard To Exercise
You can use your target heart rate range or the "Talk Test" to make sure you're working out in a good range (not too easy, not too hard). If you can comfortably answer a question during exercise, while still feeling like you're exerting yourself, you're in a good calorie-burning range. This range is ideal for the general health benefits that come with exercise, and for weight loss.

Time: How Long For Each Cardio Session
The recommended time for most people ranges from a minimum of 20 minutes (for simple general health), all the way up to about 60 minutes. Of course, it's smart to work your way up gradually. The further you go over 20 minutes, the more fat you are burning, so that can be a good motivator.

Type: Activities That Count
Any activity can count as cardio/aerobic exercise as long as it meets the 3 requirements above - that you can sustain a target heart rate intensity for at least 20-60 minutes, and do it several times a week. Walking, of course, meets those requirements.

Things to keep in mind:
1. Time can be cumulative: You don't have to do 60 minutes all at once. You can do several 5-10 minute mini-workouts each day and add them up. 2. If you can't reach your target heart rate with walking, then add intensity by increasing speed or incline.
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Since I am getting such great results doing the higher intensity workout for 60 minutes, I figured I could compromise by taking a day off especially when my feet were so adverse to the idea of putting on any shoes or socks thanks to all the abrasions and blisters.

It still feels like an excuse though.

And if that first email weren't enough of a brick, I then got THIS little motivational nugget:

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Everyone likes a pat on the back from time to time. And there's no better time to get one than when you're out of your comfort zone, challenging yourself to improve, nervous about whether you can succeed.

Most people approach weight loss from a position of "pain." They constantly nag themselves, berate themselves and expect nothing but perfection, no matter how much progress is made. Tools of the trade are guilt, doubt, shame and self-flogging. Instead of celebrating the 24 pounds they've lost, they see the 6 they still haven't lost. Sound familiar? To people used to beating themselves up, it may seem like the best way to get motivated. But consider this: if you attempted to motivate an employee like that, how long do you think they'd stick around? How successful would they be?

--------------------------

SO.... I didn't walk. And I'm still not sure how I feel about it, even though this morning I saw yet more inches gone.

I can see now why the Biggest Loser contestants see such drastic results in such a short amount of time. I read that they do three hours of exercise and limit their food to 1500 calories per day.

That had been my original intent but it hasn't worked out that way.

But still, I can't complain. I figure I have a lot of room to add to my current regimen, that is 1800 calories and an hour of cardio exercise six days a week.

I'm also going to blow up my balance ball (a workout in and of itself) to get back to my Pilates. Nothing I've ever tried has yielded the kind of results as Pilates for low impact exercise.

It can only improve on the changes I want to make to my body, particularly strengthening and toning.

I'm not looking forward to the inevitable weigh in I have to do today. As much as I'd like to avoid it, sadly in order to customize my workouts and calorie intake I need to know where I'm at even though that damnable scale has always been the biggest obstacle I have to actual weight loss success.

It's ironic almost. Something used to gauge our successes can often derail our enthusiasm and pop any balloons of optimism just by rendering some numbers we don't necessarily like to see.

If you work really hard and only lose a pound - or on several very frustrating occasions no loss at all - it can seriously play on any kind of results motivated drive I've managed to muster.

Or subsequently entangled myself with.

It's always the same old story. I use the loathing of the numbers on the scale to drive me to do the work, yet if those numbers don't change then the loathing transfers itself to the person standing on the scale.

Like the email said above... I then berate myself and that kind of self flogging is actually the most detrimental thing for the healthy journey.

Because it's not necessarily about those numbers on the scale. That's just one teeny piece of a much bigger puzzle.

It wasn't the scale that got me fat.

It won't be the scale that will get rid of the fat.

Yet I'm still reluctant to step on it and face any of the triggers, even when I finally disarmed the trigger that had me drinking sodas like they were going out of style.

When I was a kid my mother never bought sodas. If I got one a year I was lucky. Instead we drank sweet tea by the gallon - which isn't that much better for you but it was at least a lot more economical.

In fact, in the third grade when a doctor recommended a soda and a candy bar to fight off hypoglycemia, I was thrilled because it gave me the perfect excuse to have one.

As I got older and was able to make my own choices, I shunned tea for soda on every occasion I had the choice. This was especially true after I stopped drinking sweet tea thanks to a weight loss program when I was in the eighth grade. Sweet soda vs. plain tea? It wasn't even a competition.

This was a trend that would see me through the highest points of my obesity, when I finally dumped sugared sodas for diet. I would still rather have a diet soda than plain tea any day.

The problem was, drinking so many sodas meant I wasn't drinking anything else - water included. When I learned that things like green tea (which I like) can also count toward your water intake, I still leaned toward sodas.

Which led to an even bigger problem. Instead of eating good food, I was eating bad food because that was the trigger. Remember candy bar and soda? That was something that went hand in hand my entire life. Anything bad always tasted better with a soda.

It was the ultimate way the deprived kid inside could get what she wanted.

When I'd eat healthier - say salads and fruits etc - I always wanted water.

Chocolate, cake, donuts, candy were all meant for soda.

To show you how much they went together, yesterday I read via Twitter places like Krispy Kreme (i.e. the devil) and Dunkin' Donuts were giving away these tempting treats in celebration of National Doughnut Day.

The thought of a doughnut without a soda - gross.

I didn't want it, because I didn't want the soda that went with it.

Trigger successfully disarmed.

So if I can do that, I can conquer any ol' scale.

Just remind me of that when I get done seeing that number....

Friday, June 5, 2009

June 4 tally, and the nuts & bolts of No Excuses.

Again, 2 quarts of water and an hour on the treadmill at level 2 - and I have the blisters on my blisters to prove it. Another day without a soda and best of all I didn't even want one yesterday. I did get a headache, but those are to be expected. The more water I drink, I think, will get rid of that soon enough.

Another accomplishment is that I once again began to track my food using Sparkpeople, the free nutritional aid that helps define goals, provides tools and helps you keep track of the nuts and bolts of the healthier lifestyle commitment.

Note I don't use the word diet, nor will I. I may have a calorie reduction in my overall food intake, but this is a lifestyle change - not just a short term project to lose weight, only to return to the unhealthy habits that got me in this shape to begin with.

That is not to say that I will always keep an eagle eye on my calorie count. Realistically I probably can't.

I just know that when it comes to losing weight, I need to monitor it more closely than I would in the maintaining stage.

Though I like the way I feel after these more intense workouts (and I definitely love the results, down 3 inches in a problem area in just a week), I have to say I'm a little hesitant to get back on the treadmill while my blisters and abrasions are still so raw.

But... this is the blog of no excuses. On Sparkpeople yesterday they have a motivational quote section with this little nugget of wisdom: "A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." - Stephan Dolley, Jr.

It boils down to how much I want this. I have the opportunity to overcome this particular hurdle by not letting it stop me, or the perfect excuse to skip a workout for the day.

From Sparkpeople:

"It’s been said that some of the smartest people make lousy entrepreneurs. How can that be? The problem is that some people are so smart they can easily predict all of the problems, roadblocks and hurdles they’ll need to overcome to succeed. They can think of all kinds of reasons why an idea won’t work. This foresight can crush possibilities and dreams. When you want something, do you focus on the positive things, or the barriers? To reach your goals, you have to really want them. More importantly, you have to believe that you can do it. Think more about why you CAN make it happen instead of why you can’t."

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

June 3 tally

Drank 2 quarts of water
Did one hour on the treadmill, even bumping up to level 2 cardio where I finally got into the weight loss zone with my heart rate.

So yay on both counts.

More importantly, when I had my soda weakness today instead I got a cranberry juice slushy at Sonic.

That's day number 3 soda free.

I'm on my weigh. ;)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Countdown Begins...

We are now less than 6 months away from my 40th birthday. When I started my weight loss blog back in 2003, this particular milestone was so far away I had no doubts I would meet my goals in the interim. I was going to sell a script or a book, have another child, own a home, travel the world and of course, meet my goal weight.

As far as the writing goes, I was published in the best selling memoir collective "Not Quite What I Was Planning", optioned a script and finally made some money from my writing by selling several freelance articles. So I do feel like I've made significant inroads there.

I haven't had another child, but that's just nature - not a matter of will. I haven't used birth control since about 2000, if it's meant to happen it will. If not... well... I guess I'll live with it.

I tried the whole own a home thing but it didn't work out. Now I'm back to apartment living but I think there was a specific reason for that and I'm quite confident I am where I need to be right when I need to be here. More on that later...

As for travel, in the last five years I've been to 24 states, including nine state capitals as well as our nation's capital. I've seen NYC, Nashville, crossed the Mississippi River at Memphis, done the Disneyworld thing at Orlando, the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, Four Corners (or what passes for it), Monument Valley, the arch in St. Louis, even the race track at Talladega (and I don't even like Nascar).

I've also been to Cancun, Mexico, my first adventure outside of the states.

All of which I figure a pretty big accomplishment for someone who always wanted to put off doing anything until goal weight was met - and as is pretty obvious, that hasn't happened yet.

Which brings me back to the reason for the blog.

I'm having a little trouble facing 40 and feeling like I haven't done the things I wanted to do yet. It dawned on me about a month ago that I still had six months, and a lot can be done in six months.

You see it happen all the time on those Biggest Loser shows - so why can't I, even if I can't reach my ultimate goal weight, do what I can to get where I can by the time I hit 40?

The short answer is there is no reason I can't make the changes I need to make. Whether I can reach some kind of deadline is a moot point. Every single day we are all given a chance to change our future by the choices that we make today.

The sum of bad choices - a bad result.

The sum of good choices, then - good result.

That being said, I have no real concrete weight goals to reach. That always gets me into trouble. I don't deal with disappointment well, and no matter how simple the weight loss equation might look there are always all those variables that can derail even the most dedicated plans.

I will lose what I lose and weigh what I weigh when November 21 comes.

The idea is to make significant changes to how I live my life each day. I can't help get a significant result.

Now, I had mentioned already that we had to move back into an apartment. Not only does it cut down on our monthly costs by about $500 (not counting any kind of surprise maintenance costs that always seem to pop up), but this complex also has a fitness room and a swimming pool.

No longer can I use the "I don't have money to buy exercise equipment OR a gym membership" excuse, nor can I blame the weather or how far I'd have to go to actually do exercise, like the parks, the mall, etc.

And given that the fitness room is right next to the laundry room, it actually gives me an excuse TO do a pretty extensive workout.

So my goal every day is to get at least one hour of exercise in. It's a 24 hour fitness room so I can't even use my vampire hours to excuse not being active. In fact, that's even less of an excuse for me since I prefer to work out alone and it's generally empty all night.

Thus begins the era of "No Excuses".

Therefore, I once again need the public blog of accountability in order to keep my ass in line.

So here we are again.

In keeping with this new era, I no longer have any excuses not to learn how to swim. I am extremely phobic of water, granted, but I think it's high time that I conquer this particular fear. Truth is I want to learn how to swim because I'm tired of watching certain things from the sidelines. My entire family knows how to swim, and if we go anywhere on vacations all the water related activities automatically leave me out.

Not to mention, it wouldn't hurt me at all to conquer this fear and thereby learn that I can do anything I put my mind to.

It's time to "feel the fear and do it anyway".

As far as food goes, I haven't made any significant changes to the diet per se. I still eat pretty much what I want and pretty much whatever I want for the time being. I'm doing my very best to put as much healthy stuff in there as possible, but right now I'm focusing all of my energy on breaking two very bad habits that always derail my weight loss plans.

1. Stop eating fast food
2. Stop drinking soda

Both of these are painful for me to say goodbye to, but there was a time there on those last few sodas where they actually tasted gross to me. I just kept thinking what I was putting into my body and it just didn't fit with the new healthy direction I wanted to take.

It was like pouring syrup into a Ferrari.

Even though I only drink diet sodas and have for many years, I just couldn't justify drinking so much of something that a.) has no nutritional value and b.) has the unfortunate side effect of making me want to eat badly.

When I drink water, I want to eat fruit and veggies. When I drink soda, I want chocolate and fast food.

So in order to cut down on eating out (for cost and for nutrition), it makes sense to say goodbye to my last dietary vice.

So far, so good. I woke up with a headache, and I predict it won't be the last, but the idea is to go all the month of June without a soda.

The thought triggers all my deprivation issues so I better just say, I'm going to go TODAY without a soda.

Baby steps...

So that's my plan and this is my journey.

I can't promise I'll lose fifty pounds by my 40th birthday, but I can promise I'm going to do what I can to make my next birthday the healthiest milestone yet.