Emotional housekeeping...

I don't deal with neglect well. I chalk it up to investing so much of my value in what other people think of me. When they don't respond to me, it makes me feel invalidated in some way.

It also usually makes me withdraw, sullen and prone to childish behavior... which I chalk up to the patterns that began in my childhood that I have yet to fully work through.

Maybe Jeff is right. Maybe I would benefit from some therapy.

Right now my biggest problem is where I have thrown my heart and attention. On one end of the spectrum, it's been something that I deemed safe because of the lack of response back.

Only the responses came anyway, and in this recent few months more than I had even thought possible. I acted on it and was very surprised when it went right back to the avoidance phase - so much so that my feelings were hurt and I in fact became quite angry.

I'm not sure how to deal with it either. I can either talk it out with this person and jeopardize what I thought I had (only to discover I was fooling myself). Or, as I have been doing, I can just trundle along acting as if it's no big deal and just deal with the worry it'll teach this individual it's okay to treat me in a manner that will hurt my feelings.

I just don't know.

The other end of the spectrum is someone I have given my heart and trust to, only to deal with this nagging suspicion that over the past year something has irrevocably changed. I don't think it's ending, necessarily, but it has changed in a way that I'm not sure we'll ever be able to recapture what once was.

And that saddens me.

Even though I'm wading through the muck to try and figure out how I'll deal with either scenario, the bottom line is these relationships do not define me; as much as I have always tried to believe they do. Whether or not these people care about me or not, it cannot impact how I care about myself. All I can do is learn to accept maybe this is the way these people are... and just because they don't act the way I want them to it doesn't mean I don't have something unique and special with them.

But... learning my own value means I have to make the decision if it's good enough *for me*.

I don't deserve neglect or lies.

So I guess it's time to learn to speak up for myself, even if my voice is shaking. If these relationships are worth having, they'll endure.

And I hope they do.