The Walls.

The one thing I've noticed about the weight loss journey is that I tend to run into things I'd rather not face, and so I don't. I dance right up to the line until things get scary and then I bail.

I noticed this last year when I did the "Why Do I Let Myself Stay Fat" video blog. Note I stopped doing video blogs at that point and subsequently stopped the weight loss journey too.

Last week I started seeing major results from my exercise-o-rama. I went from 62 inches to 57 inches around my widest part just from walking an hour a day. Then the first day "off" led to another and another, and now I've crept back up an inch. Yet for some reason, even though I know that something as simple as walking for an hour, can help me reach my goals - I seem loathe to resume the exercise I know will help me reach my goals.

So.

Why do I let myself stay fat?

Why am I afraid to be successful and thinner?

The short answer is that I keep this padding to keep people away.

When I was abducted from my front yard and sexually molested by a stranger at the age of four, I went from being a cute, skinny girl to putting on all this weight to keep people away. I didn't know it, of course, I couldn't have purposely made that choice. But the weight began to pile on as soon as I hit kindergarten.

It didn't really impact my self esteem until much later when my dad passed away, which added a fear of abandonment to the mix.

I began to use the weight as an excuse to get into relationships that were merely a facade. I settled for sexual promiscuity rather than in depth relationships, and if a guy told me he loved me it actually scared me to the extent I would drive them away or test them until they broke.

I had to be in control.

I also began to put a lot of energy in people I could not have because they were strangers. Celebrity crushes became a safe haven.

It didn't last for long once I met the first man I'd marry. He started out as the kind of guy I couldn't have, and then once I did get him it was one of those things that embodied "Be careful what you wish for".

The more wounded and threatened I felt, the more weight I put on until I was nearly 300 pounds.

Then came the first affair.

And once again I could use my weight as an excuse why it wouldn't work out, and I pushed yet another man to the point of no return.

These are things that I did to keep myself safe from being hurt and abandoned, even though the end result was being hurt and abandoned.

The only difference was, I was in control of it. It wouldn't be another of those rug pulled out from under me moments.

So now, here I am, on the brink of significant changes that would make me vulnerable for the two things that scare me the most.

I am comfortable being the one people shun and ignore. Not so much the one that people would want to be with.

That comes with expectations I'm afraid to fulfill, and possibilities of pain I'm not sure if I can bear to repeat.

And so... the walls stay up even though I'm unsatisfied and unhappy within the prison of my body.

These are the things I need to address.

It's not easy, but it's the only way to flip that switch.

The only thing I can really control is how I treat myself.

And I'm tired of hurting myself more than any other person ever could hurt me.