Sidelined once again by the Sacroiliac

For a good chunk of my life I've dealt with debilitating back pain that was finally diagnosed as S.I. Dysfunction a couple of years ago, after losing time off of work being unable to perform basic functions due to severe lower back pain.

Well as I was laying down on my bed yesterday, one of my dogs landed square on that sensitive part of my back and launched, full weight, right back off of it.

I've been sidelined from normal activities ever since.

Not to say I haven't tried. I shampooed the carpets and went grocery shopping at two different stores, but it led to my needing my heavier pain pills in order to get any relief last night to sleep.

Today, I started my day and tried to get some minor chores done, but the pain has gotten progressively worse during the day. I'm going to manage the pain with some Ibuprofen to take care of the swelling that is no doubt causing the majority of my pain.

Tonight I will go down to work on the treadmill - at a lower level - and try to keep up my exercise regimen albeit a little less intense until I work through this pain.

From my physical therapy for this condition I know that inactivity is not an option even though pain is a great motivator for such. But I'm not going to push myself and really end up bed bound because I have no way to get any other treatment due to a lack of insurance.

I really need to get in the pool to learn low impact exercises that can help me burn calories, because staying this weight is not going to help this condition at all.

I'm not giving up, just modifying.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Back in the saddle.

Today was laundry day so there was no getting away from the exercise today. I did a half hour at level 2 and plan to do at least a half hour more tonight before bed. I think to keep things going I may just do two hours of walking every other day, with Pilates on the off days. This way I'm active every day, but I won't burn myself out.

And that gives me room to add to and change up my exercise routines.

I think I'll still see the results I want, and if I don't then I have room to improve.

Best of all I won't beat myself up for not being "perfect" by giving myself all these outrageous goals where I can constantly sabotage myself.

At least, I hope that's how it turns out.

To be continued...

The Walls.

The one thing I've noticed about the weight loss journey is that I tend to run into things I'd rather not face, and so I don't. I dance right up to the line until things get scary and then I bail.

I noticed this last year when I did the "Why Do I Let Myself Stay Fat" video blog. Note I stopped doing video blogs at that point and subsequently stopped the weight loss journey too.

Last week I started seeing major results from my exercise-o-rama. I went from 62 inches to 57 inches around my widest part just from walking an hour a day. Then the first day "off" led to another and another, and now I've crept back up an inch. Yet for some reason, even though I know that something as simple as walking for an hour, can help me reach my goals - I seem loathe to resume the exercise I know will help me reach my goals.

So.

Why do I let myself stay fat?

Why am I afraid to be successful and thinner?

The short answer is that I keep this padding to keep people away.

When I was abducted from my front yard and sexually molested by a stranger at the age of four, I went from being a cute, skinny girl to putting on all this weight to keep people away. I didn't know it, of course, I couldn't have purposely made that choice. But the weight began to pile on as soon as I hit kindergarten.

It didn't really impact my self esteem until much later when my dad passed away, which added a fear of abandonment to the mix.

I began to use the weight as an excuse to get into relationships that were merely a facade. I settled for sexual promiscuity rather than in depth relationships, and if a guy told me he loved me it actually scared me to the extent I would drive them away or test them until they broke.

I had to be in control.

I also began to put a lot of energy in people I could not have because they were strangers. Celebrity crushes became a safe haven.

It didn't last for long once I met the first man I'd marry. He started out as the kind of guy I couldn't have, and then once I did get him it was one of those things that embodied "Be careful what you wish for".

The more wounded and threatened I felt, the more weight I put on until I was nearly 300 pounds.

Then came the first affair.

And once again I could use my weight as an excuse why it wouldn't work out, and I pushed yet another man to the point of no return.

These are things that I did to keep myself safe from being hurt and abandoned, even though the end result was being hurt and abandoned.

The only difference was, I was in control of it. It wouldn't be another of those rug pulled out from under me moments.

So now, here I am, on the brink of significant changes that would make me vulnerable for the two things that scare me the most.

I am comfortable being the one people shun and ignore. Not so much the one that people would want to be with.

That comes with expectations I'm afraid to fulfill, and possibilities of pain I'm not sure if I can bear to repeat.

And so... the walls stay up even though I'm unsatisfied and unhappy within the prison of my body.

These are the things I need to address.

It's not easy, but it's the only way to flip that switch.

The only thing I can really control is how I treat myself.

And I'm tired of hurting myself more than any other person ever could hurt me.

Still in limbo, but hanging in.

Yesterday I took my dog Winston for a walk at the park since the weather was so nice, which was a nice change of pace from the treadmill. I didn't work out as long or as intensely, but I still am glad I got moving again. I feel the difference in my body too, which is great.

I'm having a really difficult time managing sleep. I'm not sleeping well at all. I sleep for a few hours and then I'm up, no matter how little of sleep I've had or how tired I am.

Last night I broke down and took a pill to help me sleep, and I got two of these "naps" close together, but already I'm fading and in need of another nap.

I'm of the mind I should listen to my body and let it sleep when it can, but it's playing hell on my exercise routine. I just need to get in the habit of doing it first thing when I get up, and maybe that will help all those other issues too by letting me sleep better when I do, in fact, sleep.

I am still soda free, and for the most part it has been a lot less painless than I feared. I'm wondering if quitting caffeine cold turkey has anything to do with my sleeplessness.

At this rate anything is possible.

I haven't been eating as well, but the good news is my body is actually craving things that are good for me like vegetables and especially fruit.

Probably because without sodas I'm indulging my sugar fixation naturally... and I consider that a huge step in the right direction.

So my goal at the moment is to try and get my sleep schedule more regular and get that exercise in.

I just need to accept I can't do it all once no matter how much I'd like to.

Progress, not perfection.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

I knew skipping one day was a bad idea, because it would lend to missing more days. For some reason my sleep schedule is all wonky now and I get up insanely early, but I haven't been napping during the day so that means I run out of energy around noon.

Worse, being so tired and worn down means all my other goals down the drain as well.

So, no excuses. I've messed up and the only thing to do is jump back on that horse.

I just really wish that I could get proper sleep. It's starting to affect my mood and not in a good way. My patience is at its end. I thought for sure last night I'd be able to get some decent sleep because I was so tired and didn't get a nap, but without fail I was up and unable to sleep by 3:45am.

Worse, I get up from what amounts to an extended nap and walk into the living room and kitchen left to the men for six unsupervised hours and nothing is done. Dinner dishes, still in the sink. Dishes in the living room. A water battle, some soda cans (not mine - I'm staying strong on that front although yesterday I was tempted. I blame the lethargy).

It's really quite frustrating. Not having a job outside the home means a lot of the chores get delegated to me, which is fine. But it seems I'm doing the same thing every single day no matter how hard I work to get ahead. Yesterday I got everything spotless, even to the point of shampooing the floors, and waking up to more work was not exactly my idea of fun.

It's like I'm engaged in this long standing war with clutter, and the clutter is winning.

And it's not even that it's a lot of work. It'll take about ten minutes to get things picked up and the dishwasher loaded and started.

Which makes it even more annoying that no one else seems willing to do it.

Like I said... piss poor mood.

Plus the exercise jump started certain hormonal shifts that mean I have to deal with Mother Nature a full week earlier than I normally do.

So I'm going to get a firm start on my day by eating a good breakfast full of protein and carbohydrates, then head down to the workout room to get on that treadmill. I'm not putting it off today - because that will lead to just one more day of not doing what I need to do because life can, and does, get in the way.

Not beating myself up. No sense in that.

Just being honest and real.

It's okay to be imperfect.

No excuses needed.

Yesterday was a bust.

At least as far as health goals go. I didn't work out, didn't get my water in - I ate sort of within my calorie range (went over by 33 calories) but way overdid the fat.

I have been on this strange sleeping schedule which means I get maybe four, five hours of sleep in one cycle, and then later get a nap of three to four hours, usually in the early afternoon.

Yesterday I was busy at my son's commencement ceremony and so I was so tired by the time I got home I fell asleep on the sofa. Hubby prepared something quick and easy, which ended up being one of those cheap pizzas, and then I went straight to bed.

I also managed the weigh in. Officially it was 319 pounds and 7 ounces - which wasn't as low as I wanted needless to say but I couldn't quite gripe. The circumstances for the weigh in weren't ideal but they usually never are - so I'm taking it for what it is.

It's a start, that's all it is.

Since I had so many other good things to focus on, it was easy to take it in stride much more than I had dreaded I wouldn't.

It helped that it was such a monumental day full of pride and accomplishment. It would have been impossible to feel sorry for myself and be that self centered on a day so wonderful for my child.

Although he isn't a child anymore. He's a man. A high school graduate, living on his own - a good, decent, responsible person that I helped guide from infanthood.

Makes stuff like eating a handful of extra calories or a less than perfect weigh in seem minor in comparison.

Truth is, I can learn something from my son. As someone with learning disabilities, these past many school years have been a really challenging road that - no matter how many times he stumbled - he refused to give up trying to conquer.

And conquer he did.



So that inspires me. The road I have to walk is just as challenging but as long as I never give up on that ultimate goal - I will be able to have my moment "graduating" into the person I always wanted to be.

So thank you, Tim, for teaching me once again that nothing is impossible to the person who believes and never gives up.

Daily check-in and other ramblings

Yesterday I got my calorie and nutritional intake and my water (sorta) but stopped short of the walk.

I didn't give up on the idea until quite late, as the abrasions on my foot remained raw and tender to the touch even barefoot:



But still I didn't want to concede defeat, despite the hubby's persistence that I could miss a day to heal, and it wouldn't benefit me to push myself hard today if it meant I incapacitated myself tomorrow.

No, I pretty well decided to try and make it work until I got a Sparkpeople email that said to develop a walking regimen it was important to get a day or two of rest per week.

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SparkPeople Experts Answer Your Fitness Questions

Question: How often should I walk? Should I focus on miles or minutes?

Expert Answer:

Frequency: Number of Days Per Week
Aim for a minimum of 3 days a week, and gradually work your way up to 5 or 6 days a week. The more the better--especially when it comes to weight loss. But don't forget the importance of rest and recovery--give yourself at least 1-2 days off each week.

Intensity: How Hard To Exercise
You can use your target heart rate range or the "Talk Test" to make sure you're working out in a good range (not too easy, not too hard). If you can comfortably answer a question during exercise, while still feeling like you're exerting yourself, you're in a good calorie-burning range. This range is ideal for the general health benefits that come with exercise, and for weight loss.

Time: How Long For Each Cardio Session
The recommended time for most people ranges from a minimum of 20 minutes (for simple general health), all the way up to about 60 minutes. Of course, it's smart to work your way up gradually. The further you go over 20 minutes, the more fat you are burning, so that can be a good motivator.

Type: Activities That Count
Any activity can count as cardio/aerobic exercise as long as it meets the 3 requirements above - that you can sustain a target heart rate intensity for at least 20-60 minutes, and do it several times a week. Walking, of course, meets those requirements.

Things to keep in mind:
1. Time can be cumulative: You don't have to do 60 minutes all at once. You can do several 5-10 minute mini-workouts each day and add them up. 2. If you can't reach your target heart rate with walking, then add intensity by increasing speed or incline.
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Since I am getting such great results doing the higher intensity workout for 60 minutes, I figured I could compromise by taking a day off especially when my feet were so adverse to the idea of putting on any shoes or socks thanks to all the abrasions and blisters.

It still feels like an excuse though.

And if that first email weren't enough of a brick, I then got THIS little motivational nugget:

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Everyone likes a pat on the back from time to time. And there's no better time to get one than when you're out of your comfort zone, challenging yourself to improve, nervous about whether you can succeed.

Most people approach weight loss from a position of "pain." They constantly nag themselves, berate themselves and expect nothing but perfection, no matter how much progress is made. Tools of the trade are guilt, doubt, shame and self-flogging. Instead of celebrating the 24 pounds they've lost, they see the 6 they still haven't lost. Sound familiar? To people used to beating themselves up, it may seem like the best way to get motivated. But consider this: if you attempted to motivate an employee like that, how long do you think they'd stick around? How successful would they be?

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SO.... I didn't walk. And I'm still not sure how I feel about it, even though this morning I saw yet more inches gone.

I can see now why the Biggest Loser contestants see such drastic results in such a short amount of time. I read that they do three hours of exercise and limit their food to 1500 calories per day.

That had been my original intent but it hasn't worked out that way.

But still, I can't complain. I figure I have a lot of room to add to my current regimen, that is 1800 calories and an hour of cardio exercise six days a week.

I'm also going to blow up my balance ball (a workout in and of itself) to get back to my Pilates. Nothing I've ever tried has yielded the kind of results as Pilates for low impact exercise.

It can only improve on the changes I want to make to my body, particularly strengthening and toning.

I'm not looking forward to the inevitable weigh in I have to do today. As much as I'd like to avoid it, sadly in order to customize my workouts and calorie intake I need to know where I'm at even though that damnable scale has always been the biggest obstacle I have to actual weight loss success.

It's ironic almost. Something used to gauge our successes can often derail our enthusiasm and pop any balloons of optimism just by rendering some numbers we don't necessarily like to see.

If you work really hard and only lose a pound - or on several very frustrating occasions no loss at all - it can seriously play on any kind of results motivated drive I've managed to muster.

Or subsequently entangled myself with.

It's always the same old story. I use the loathing of the numbers on the scale to drive me to do the work, yet if those numbers don't change then the loathing transfers itself to the person standing on the scale.

Like the email said above... I then berate myself and that kind of self flogging is actually the most detrimental thing for the healthy journey.

Because it's not necessarily about those numbers on the scale. That's just one teeny piece of a much bigger puzzle.

It wasn't the scale that got me fat.

It won't be the scale that will get rid of the fat.

Yet I'm still reluctant to step on it and face any of the triggers, even when I finally disarmed the trigger that had me drinking sodas like they were going out of style.

When I was a kid my mother never bought sodas. If I got one a year I was lucky. Instead we drank sweet tea by the gallon - which isn't that much better for you but it was at least a lot more economical.

In fact, in the third grade when a doctor recommended a soda and a candy bar to fight off hypoglycemia, I was thrilled because it gave me the perfect excuse to have one.

As I got older and was able to make my own choices, I shunned tea for soda on every occasion I had the choice. This was especially true after I stopped drinking sweet tea thanks to a weight loss program when I was in the eighth grade. Sweet soda vs. plain tea? It wasn't even a competition.

This was a trend that would see me through the highest points of my obesity, when I finally dumped sugared sodas for diet. I would still rather have a diet soda than plain tea any day.

The problem was, drinking so many sodas meant I wasn't drinking anything else - water included. When I learned that things like green tea (which I like) can also count toward your water intake, I still leaned toward sodas.

Which led to an even bigger problem. Instead of eating good food, I was eating bad food because that was the trigger. Remember candy bar and soda? That was something that went hand in hand my entire life. Anything bad always tasted better with a soda.

It was the ultimate way the deprived kid inside could get what she wanted.

When I'd eat healthier - say salads and fruits etc - I always wanted water.

Chocolate, cake, donuts, candy were all meant for soda.

To show you how much they went together, yesterday I read via Twitter places like Krispy Kreme (i.e. the devil) and Dunkin' Donuts were giving away these tempting treats in celebration of National Doughnut Day.

The thought of a doughnut without a soda - gross.

I didn't want it, because I didn't want the soda that went with it.

Trigger successfully disarmed.

So if I can do that, I can conquer any ol' scale.

Just remind me of that when I get done seeing that number....

June 4 tally, and the nuts & bolts of No Excuses.

Again, 2 quarts of water and an hour on the treadmill at level 2 - and I have the blisters on my blisters to prove it. Another day without a soda and best of all I didn't even want one yesterday. I did get a headache, but those are to be expected. The more water I drink, I think, will get rid of that soon enough.

Another accomplishment is that I once again began to track my food using Sparkpeople, the free nutritional aid that helps define goals, provides tools and helps you keep track of the nuts and bolts of the healthier lifestyle commitment.

Note I don't use the word diet, nor will I. I may have a calorie reduction in my overall food intake, but this is a lifestyle change - not just a short term project to lose weight, only to return to the unhealthy habits that got me in this shape to begin with.

That is not to say that I will always keep an eagle eye on my calorie count. Realistically I probably can't.

I just know that when it comes to losing weight, I need to monitor it more closely than I would in the maintaining stage.

Though I like the way I feel after these more intense workouts (and I definitely love the results, down 3 inches in a problem area in just a week), I have to say I'm a little hesitant to get back on the treadmill while my blisters and abrasions are still so raw.

But... this is the blog of no excuses. On Sparkpeople yesterday they have a motivational quote section with this little nugget of wisdom: "A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." - Stephan Dolley, Jr.

It boils down to how much I want this. I have the opportunity to overcome this particular hurdle by not letting it stop me, or the perfect excuse to skip a workout for the day.

From Sparkpeople:

"It’s been said that some of the smartest people make lousy entrepreneurs. How can that be? The problem is that some people are so smart they can easily predict all of the problems, roadblocks and hurdles they’ll need to overcome to succeed. They can think of all kinds of reasons why an idea won’t work. This foresight can crush possibilities and dreams. When you want something, do you focus on the positive things, or the barriers? To reach your goals, you have to really want them. More importantly, you have to believe that you can do it. Think more about why you CAN make it happen instead of why you can’t."

I'll let you know how it goes.

June 3 tally

Drank 2 quarts of water
Did one hour on the treadmill, even bumping up to level 2 cardio where I finally got into the weight loss zone with my heart rate.

So yay on both counts.

More importantly, when I had my soda weakness today instead I got a cranberry juice slushy at Sonic.

That's day number 3 soda free.

I'm on my weigh. ;)

The Countdown Begins...

We are now less than 6 months away from my 40th birthday. When I started my weight loss blog back in 2003, this particular milestone was so far away I had no doubts I would meet my goals in the interim. I was going to sell a script or a book, have another child, own a home, travel the world and of course, meet my goal weight.

As far as the writing goes, I was published in the best selling memoir collective "Not Quite What I Was Planning", optioned a script and finally made some money from my writing by selling several freelance articles. So I do feel like I've made significant inroads there.

I haven't had another child, but that's just nature - not a matter of will. I haven't used birth control since about 2000, if it's meant to happen it will. If not... well... I guess I'll live with it.

I tried the whole own a home thing but it didn't work out. Now I'm back to apartment living but I think there was a specific reason for that and I'm quite confident I am where I need to be right when I need to be here. More on that later...

As for travel, in the last five years I've been to 24 states, including nine state capitals as well as our nation's capital. I've seen NYC, Nashville, crossed the Mississippi River at Memphis, done the Disneyworld thing at Orlando, the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, Four Corners (or what passes for it), Monument Valley, the arch in St. Louis, even the race track at Talladega (and I don't even like Nascar).

I've also been to Cancun, Mexico, my first adventure outside of the states.

All of which I figure a pretty big accomplishment for someone who always wanted to put off doing anything until goal weight was met - and as is pretty obvious, that hasn't happened yet.

Which brings me back to the reason for the blog.

I'm having a little trouble facing 40 and feeling like I haven't done the things I wanted to do yet. It dawned on me about a month ago that I still had six months, and a lot can be done in six months.

You see it happen all the time on those Biggest Loser shows - so why can't I, even if I can't reach my ultimate goal weight, do what I can to get where I can by the time I hit 40?

The short answer is there is no reason I can't make the changes I need to make. Whether I can reach some kind of deadline is a moot point. Every single day we are all given a chance to change our future by the choices that we make today.

The sum of bad choices - a bad result.

The sum of good choices, then - good result.

That being said, I have no real concrete weight goals to reach. That always gets me into trouble. I don't deal with disappointment well, and no matter how simple the weight loss equation might look there are always all those variables that can derail even the most dedicated plans.

I will lose what I lose and weigh what I weigh when November 21 comes.

The idea is to make significant changes to how I live my life each day. I can't help get a significant result.

Now, I had mentioned already that we had to move back into an apartment. Not only does it cut down on our monthly costs by about $500 (not counting any kind of surprise maintenance costs that always seem to pop up), but this complex also has a fitness room and a swimming pool.

No longer can I use the "I don't have money to buy exercise equipment OR a gym membership" excuse, nor can I blame the weather or how far I'd have to go to actually do exercise, like the parks, the mall, etc.

And given that the fitness room is right next to the laundry room, it actually gives me an excuse TO do a pretty extensive workout.

So my goal every day is to get at least one hour of exercise in. It's a 24 hour fitness room so I can't even use my vampire hours to excuse not being active. In fact, that's even less of an excuse for me since I prefer to work out alone and it's generally empty all night.

Thus begins the era of "No Excuses".

Therefore, I once again need the public blog of accountability in order to keep my ass in line.

So here we are again.

In keeping with this new era, I no longer have any excuses not to learn how to swim. I am extremely phobic of water, granted, but I think it's high time that I conquer this particular fear. Truth is I want to learn how to swim because I'm tired of watching certain things from the sidelines. My entire family knows how to swim, and if we go anywhere on vacations all the water related activities automatically leave me out.

Not to mention, it wouldn't hurt me at all to conquer this fear and thereby learn that I can do anything I put my mind to.

It's time to "feel the fear and do it anyway".

As far as food goes, I haven't made any significant changes to the diet per se. I still eat pretty much what I want and pretty much whatever I want for the time being. I'm doing my very best to put as much healthy stuff in there as possible, but right now I'm focusing all of my energy on breaking two very bad habits that always derail my weight loss plans.

1. Stop eating fast food
2. Stop drinking soda

Both of these are painful for me to say goodbye to, but there was a time there on those last few sodas where they actually tasted gross to me. I just kept thinking what I was putting into my body and it just didn't fit with the new healthy direction I wanted to take.

It was like pouring syrup into a Ferrari.

Even though I only drink diet sodas and have for many years, I just couldn't justify drinking so much of something that a.) has no nutritional value and b.) has the unfortunate side effect of making me want to eat badly.

When I drink water, I want to eat fruit and veggies. When I drink soda, I want chocolate and fast food.

So in order to cut down on eating out (for cost and for nutrition), it makes sense to say goodbye to my last dietary vice.

So far, so good. I woke up with a headache, and I predict it won't be the last, but the idea is to go all the month of June without a soda.

The thought triggers all my deprivation issues so I better just say, I'm going to go TODAY without a soda.

Baby steps...

So that's my plan and this is my journey.

I can't promise I'll lose fifty pounds by my 40th birthday, but I can promise I'm going to do what I can to make my next birthday the healthiest milestone yet.